Nirvana

If she had found my blog, maybe she has one of her own, I thought. "If this girl is actually stalking me I've got to learn a thing or two about her." I searched her name and came up with nothing. I searched her email (from the school directory). Nothing. This was frustrating. Here this girl knows waaay too much about me.

In desperation, remembering her shirt, I tried "nirvana" just to see. A million hits. I tried rearranging the letters and extrapolating other possible clues. Sooner than later...Wham.

There it was.

Her blog.

It was a daily account of her thoughts regarding me, my entries, and fictional erotic stories. Each involved subjects such as my poofy hair, my sturdy 5'9" frame, my poems, my ramblings. She had been writing these entries almost since the day she first surprised me at the party - for months. I had stumbled upon a secret, hidden reservoir. I scrolled up to the very top, to her earliest entry. She started like this...

Magnus, you have captured my heart, my soul, and my being. You do not know who I am. You do not know I have been enslaved by your words. We have never spoken, and yet, you are strength, my foundation, my love. I devote this log to you. I am sorry, my sweet, but this burden is not mine to give or yours to take away. It is my shameful life, and it is now yours-not by choice, but because I have found I have none of my own, none without you. Such a fool, I somehow opened myself to a few words and became yours. I'm so sorry. It was not my intention. You have assumed my heart. What can I do but let it beat? It does so because you exist. In these words, its only shrine, the only evidence, so that one day it might be known that such love did exist. Though, I suspect it will not.

The nirvana clue was extremely vague. She could not have expected me to find it, even after seeing the shirt. This was forbidden text. I could not tear my eyes from it.

At first her entries were simply obsessions...

Your words bring life to every inch of my skin, which I can already feel against yours. Your tender strength washes over me like a warm bath, and undresses me with ease and efficiency. Though I sit bundled in my warm sweater, I am stark naked in front of you, breathing in your honor.

This was her private diary that I would never discover...

If you only knew that I lie waiting for you eternally, my sweet. I know you loath the thought of my body. I know that is not what you want. If only it were. If only I could throw it at you, my love. Such awful things I would do to prove my love is true...terrible things. I know you would not approve, but that alone prevents them. Oh, if I only knew the strings to your heart. If only my body would suffice. I know it could not. For now I can only care for it in your absence. If you could only know that I am here for you, and you alone.

"Maybe she was talking about someone else. Maybe this was someone completely different." My reading became increasingly obsessive. To my amazement, it became increasingly apparent that it was indeed Vanessa, and that I was definitely her subject...

Oh, Magnus, what can I say? I saw you enter the empty room and the devil overcame my body. Such decadent poetry, so...visceral. At least, I couldn't help myself from letting it becoming so. I assure you my heart hadn't stopped racing. But now. What is a girl to do given such circumstances? If I am a demon, so be it. If so, you conceived this awful spirit and placed it within me. Yet you, so innocent, you, sitting in such steady concentration. Your dark, geeky glasses over your perfectly defined nose. Your powerful, athletic body relaxed in serious study. I felt your eyes through the shelves. Oh yes, I enjoyed them. As I stood before you, I noticed your fancy was not overcome entirely by classic poetry. The blameless flower stood before you, wishing to feel your breath against her skin. She swore she could. She mused as she shifted her weight, feeling the warm, roiling spring between her legs. She accepted it, encouraged it, even. It was the truth. And you, Magnus, you will tolerate nothing less. Knowing this was terrifying. It set fire to every inch of my flesh. Oh, how possessed I was to show you, Magnus. As I reached I closed my eyes pleading with you to notice me. The arch in my back felt so good I just had to straighten my legs...Higher. Torso lower. I know you strained to resist what appeared in front of you. I just know it. I held back the rush of excitement welling within as I imagined you deep inside me. I counted to five. Longer would be indulgence. Did you notice my fingers slowly disappear as I left? If only you knew about their eloquent performance in the ladies room moments later. How often are they driven by your insolence? I know you don't care. How could you? I know you are impenetrable, so I don't expect you to give me a second thought. Yet, no one can stop the knife being driven through my heart. How dare you fuck me so hard, Magnus, yet so effortlessly?