Slipping

I had truly never asked for this life.

I wanted to go back to the real innocent days, before any woman knew or cared I existed. Such sweet ignorance.

I drove home from Linda's office and was again surrounded by the surreal feeling of mystery. So unreal was the experience I had just encountered that my mind forbade me to really believe it. Perhaps it was the knowledge that it could not be believed. This was outrageous.

A part of me wanted to defile Vanessa by taking Linda. Actually, if I thought Vanessa would disapprove I would have done it to spite her...to push her away. But, I knew that she truly wanted it. Vanessa wanted her essence driving my body into Linda.

It was an opportunity to leave her as deprived as I was. It was justice.

I pictured the events that had just taken place. They were already fading. Some unknown force was prying the imagery from my head and the plausibility again began to slip. No one would possibly believe such a thing could happen. This was an impossible experience because none could even comprehend it. I could never explain the circumstances that led to such a thing. Even if I did, it would be futile, so it goes...

Anyway, I could describe every last detail to my friends and family and they would look at me like I was crazy. They would think I convinced myself this was true...but no. It was the opposite. This was true, and I needed to use the full weight of my intellect to remind myself of that fact. It was slipping away into the world of my fantasies, and I needed to capture it. I needed the truth to live. Without it I was nothing...

It was almost as if my real fantasy could never be realized...as if I could never actually choose my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

When I arrived back at school I wrote the events by hand in a spiral notebook. I wonder if the details regarding my visit to Linda's could have sustained the fog of time otherwise? I sincerely doubt it. But, my decision to deprive Vanessa is as vivid as the moment I chose to do it.