The Calm

The next morning I woke up, brushed my teeth, got dressed, and headed off for class. I was determined to keep my mind on school. I met with Stacy in the library for another session.

I opened the text book and got right to business. To my amazement, she actually kept her mind on studying (although I couldn't be sure if she already actually knew the material - seemed like she knew more before). It was as if the photo shoot never happened. I was relieved. But, also surprised at my reaction. Her casual disinterest in anything but school was somehow erotic in itself...as if her part in gang-seduction is just a regular innocent pass time. As she became more distant I was strangely drawn to her. Her wavy hair and delicate features seemed to radiate more brightly as she asked questions innocently with candor. Now that she was not an intimidation, I found her almost irresistible. "Is there no end?" I thought. "Am I damned to to be haunted eternally." She left without so much as a smile.

There was nothing for two weeks. Maria didn't meet me in the hallway. Vanessa didn't play any games with me, and returned to pining rather than manufacturing complete fallacies.

Jen and I spoke a few times. She asked me how I was doing? When I said I was doing fine, she would approve and wish me luck, adding "you're going to need it" (accompanied by giggling).

Things went back to normal somewhat, and would continue my evening trips to the library. There was a strange dream-like feeling about the whole shoot incident...as if it wasn't possible. I started to think it was all my imagination. But, when there was any doubt, I could just look at the photos I had taken; Jen was gracious enough to give me copies. They were black and white, and yes, more artistic than erotic. I found them all beautiful, but Vanessa's was somehow the most mystical.

Sooner than later I managed to forget about the pictures. I decided Jen was probably bluffing, or probably does this sort of thing with lots of guys to mess with them. I don't know. I kept my distance.

But, there was something deep inside screaming at me. It was a voice begging me to confront the most potent temptation directly. I couldn't stop it as much as I tried. Freeing myself had now somehow become dependent on seeking temptation rather than avoiding it. Satisfaction was not achieving relations with these women, but resisting their most powerful advances. I couldn't be sure I was capable of trusting myself unless I knew I was capable of trusting my greatest weakness. Sound impossible? A little freaky? I know, but that's what I was thinking.