Commitment

There were specific reasons for my refusal to directly acknowledge Vanessa and the others...

I've made some decisions in my life, by necessity, regarding its preservation. They are not based on abstractions or prejudice, but are related to the idea that every man and woman is sovereign and never to be treated as the property of any state, religion, organization, or other individual. Each one of us is so infinitely special and important that we must not let others occupy our minds, souls, or body without our permission. Sound fair and simple enough? It really isn't.

The thing is, considering what I have seen, I pretty much had to start from scratch. Every convention and set of beliefs around me seemed to hold contradictions. Perhaps this is a dialogue everyone has in their own mind. I suspect it is. What individual submits completely to anything without understanding the truth and reasons behind it? How could such a person be trusted? I can trust others, because they may (probably do) understand far more than I do. But, how do I completely trust myself knowing that I understand such a tiny slice of knowledge in this enormous universe? Worse, how dare I expect others to trust me? And, the universe gets bigger every day. Once upon a time, I decided that learning about myself became the highest priority. This may have been a mistake. What I discovered was not kind.

First I unloaded the political, then the social/economic, then the spiritual. Not all the beliefs, but the general names and identities. I took a good hard look at who I was and saw a mess. I wanted things, lots of things, everything in fact: wealth, power, sex, reputation. All my worldly effort was dedicated to these things...and why shouldn't they? After all, they're so damn hard to get. Everyone else is fighting for them too, and will gladly take a chunk of yours if you relax for even one moment. But, in this frenzy to compete I found myself bound in shackles. I was playing by their rules. I found my effort was primarily dedicated, in almost all cases, to somebody else.

Now, I am a charitable person, but not when I'm trying to earn a living...not when I've got professors to impress, institutions to make proud, women to ize. What I earn, I expect to do with as I please. I needed credit after donating to charity, damnit. I was being robbed, swindled...of my time, money, effort, and image. Why were they doing this to me? Was it because they wanted everything too? That seemed to make a whole hell of a lot of sense.

What was important? What was really worth protecting? What could I not live without, really? What was too important to just give away?

I chose celibacy. Not according to any religious doctrine, but because of terrifying events I had witnessed, and because there are some things that simply make us human...things that I would not sell, trade, or give. How could I protect the person I was if I had no idea how to control it? For this, and practical reasons I will explain later, I decided this was the necessary path understanding and perhaps, dare I say, enlightenment.

This was the actual topic of my blog back then. Not just celibacy, but also the overall commitment to the principles most closely identified as a mix of classical liberalism, reason, and pacifism.

So, that was the fascination. A group of girls discovered my blog and decided to test my will. So, now that you know that, you can see where this story is going. Without appealing to my mind, they were on an uphill battle. Vanessa was dangerous. Her perception, bravery, and intelligence weakened me, but I would accept the challenge. Some things, I decided, I would not let another rob from me. I had no choice anyway.